Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Greenberg on NPD

Subtypes

The Exhibitionist Narcissist

• Openly display grandiose self-importance
• Expect special treatment
• Fantasies of success and power
• Indifferent to others’ feelings and well-being
• Exploitative
• If humiliated or shamed they react with extreme rage
• Subtypes:
  • The “Gucci” Narcissist: uses fashion and high status items and people to boost their self-esteem
  • The “Resume” Narcissist: chooses jobs, hobbies, friends etc. based on how they will look to other people, not on what they actually want or need
  • The Martyr: ‘noble sufferers’, uses their suffering to feel special and get sympathy and attention
  • The Superman: needs to feel & be seen as heroic & selfless, avoids any situations where they could be seen as weak or inferior
  • The Supermom: “a variation of the Superman, only more home centred”; takes credit for their family’s successes
  • The Saint: “perfect version of the Superman defense”; similar to the Martyr; neglects themselves to help others
• Summary:
  • Major issues:
    • Always trying to enhance and stabilse their self-esteem and avoid shame/depression spirals
    • Often alienate those around them due to their grandiosity
    • Overly sensitive to criticism and feeling misunderstood, reacts with anger
  • Main goals:
    • Gain high status
    • Maintain feeling special and perfect
    • Gain admiration and recognition
    • Avoid humiliation and exposure as a ‘fraud’
  • Difficult times:
    • Having to work as equals with those who they see as inferior
    • Loss of status; rejection
    • Aging, feeling less than perfect
    • Having to apologise or admit their mistakes
  • Major defenses:
    • Grandiosity
    • Devaluing others
    • Associate with idealised/high status people or things
  • Secret fear:
    • That they are intrinsically worthless and defective and will be publicly exposed as a fraud (creating humiliation, vulnerability and rejection)
  • Greatest insult:
    • Being called average
  • Contribution to the world:
    • Start many organisations, political parties, movements
    • Devote enormous amounts of time and energy into causes if it puts them in the spotlight
    • Many are entertainers, sponsors, financial backers
  • Interpersonal gestalt: (The primary focus for the Exhibitionist Narcissist during social interactions)
    • Details that enforce or reject their sense of being special or perfect
    • Highly sensitive to cues that relate to possible rejection or humiliation
  • Motto:
    • “If I can’t be the best, it isn’t worth doing.”

The Toxic Narcissist

• “Failed Exhibitionist Narcissists”; want to be admired but lack the means, so they deal with their self-hatred by making others feel worse than they do
• Deals with their sense of inferiority by trying to destroy others’ sense of competence, and lashing out in envy
• Usually have been so shamed and humiliated in childhood that they don’t feel safe with anyone
• Assume that everyone wants to attack and dominate so they must do it first, and better, so that it can’t happen to them (again)
• Highly competitive
• Usually sadistic
• Focus on others’ faults instead of their own
• Some alternate between Exhibitionist Narcissists when they’re feeling confident and Toxic Narcissists when they feel insecure
• Subtypes:
  • The Abusive Spouse: when feeling humiliated, dominates others; quick to point out others’ flaws
  • The Abusive Parent: feel inferior instead of proud of their family’s successes, so to avoid that they belittle and intimidate; attacks and devalues their family’s achievements
  • The Boss from Hell: when feeling self-hatred they demean and attack others; like creating drama and uproar to feel powerful; sadistic: “the greater your humiliation, the better they feel”
• Summary:
  • Major issues:
    • Self-hatred; deep sense of inadequacy
    • Fear of failure
    • Resentful of others’ success
    • Resist introspection and reflection and blame others
    • They “make enemies wherever they go”; inspire fear and avoidance of them
  • Main goals:
    • Humiliate and dominate others before they can do it to them
    • Diminish others to feel less inferior
  • Difficult times:
    • When they want something they can’t have, especially if someone else has it
  • Major defenses:
    • Grandiosity
    • Devaluing others
    • Cruelty
  • Secret fear:
    • Other people will devalue, humiliate and dominate them
    • Exposure as weak, inferior, worthless
  • Contribution to the world:
    • Add “spice” to our daily lives
  • Interpersonal gestalt: (The primary focus for the Toxic Narcissist during social interactions)
    • Other people’s flaws
    • Things to be envious of
    • Potentially humiliating or devaluing details
  • Motto:
    • “Do onto others before they can do onto you.”

The Covert Narcissist

• Want to be as open and direct as exhibitionist narcissists but are too afraid of rejection
• Usually have experienced rejection and humiliation in childhood which makes them conflicted about attention (scared of it but craves and needs it)
• Their dilemma is “how do I feel special without opening myself up for attack and humiliation”
• Usually attach themselves to an idealised person, organisation or idea in order to share in their admiration
• Vulnerable to criticism; if shamed they devalue and may discard people
• Subtypes:
  • The Perfect Secretary to the Great Man: makes serving the idealised person (IP) their entire life and feels special by their association with them; ‘acts of service’ as their way of being admired
  • The Faithful Servant: their sense of status is directly related to the status of their IP; they identify with their IP’s successes and are elevated by whatever elevates their IP
  • The Cheerleader’s Best Friend: the “admiring shadow”, wants to learn how to be confident and popular by being close to their IP
  • The Student in Search of a Mentor: “perpetually unprepared to take the ultimate responsibility for decisions”, seeks out a more experienced mentor with authority; may try to get their mentor to make daily or even major life decisions for them
  • The Admirer: had an Exhibitionist Narcissist caregiver and learnt to act as a mirror in order to get approval; this carries over in adulthood to their IP; if their IP tries to correct their perception of them as perfect, the Admirer sees it as modesty and “become even more convinced of [their IP’s] specialness”
• Summary:
  • Major issues:
    • Manage self-esteem by attaching themselves to respected causes or people so they are special by association
    • Lives for approval
    • Direct compliments or praise makes them uncomfortable
    • Trouble saying no to their IP, even at their own expense
    • Feel overlooked and resentful but are reluctant to complain, so act out with manipulation and passive-aggressiveness
  • Main goals:
    • Please others
    • Find a mentor / an IP or cause
    • Avoid being the centre of attention
    • Gain approval and sense of being special by association
  • Difficult times:
    • When they’re forced to be in the spotlight
    • When they have to assert themselves openly
  • Major defenses:
    • Avoid being the centre of attention
    • Use “self-object merger”* to enhance self-esteem
  • Secret fear:
    • Being humiliated or attacked for being assertive or standing out
  • Contribution to the world:
    • Do most of the work, behind the scenes
  • Interpersonal gestalt: (The primary focus for the Covert Narcissist during social interactions)
    • Acutely aware of other people’s specialness and their approval
    • Anything that would put them in the spotlight or feeling exposed and vulnerable (so they can avoid it)
  • Motto:
    • “Let’s talk about you”

* Self-object merger is when someone merges their sense of self with another person or an object to manage their self-esteem or soothe themselves. ↺

Mnemonic: SPECIAL GOD

S: Status, sensitivity & shame

• Preoccupied with status and hierarchies and where they and others fall into them
• Sensitive to criticism and rejection
• Very vulnerable to feelings of shame

P: Perfect

• Needs to see themselves and those they admire as superior
• “To a Narcissist, superiority and goodness are synonymous”

E: Entitlement & envy

• Expects to be treated better / as more special / high status than others
• Jealous and envious of people who have something they want (possessions, status, wealth, etc.) as it draws attention away from them

C: Cold & calculating

• Rarely feels any warmth towards people except those who are idealised as their superiors
• Warmth is either an act or because of admiration (giving (to idealised people) or receiving)/li>

I: Idealising & mirroring transferences

• Attempts to gain positive self-image through seeing themselves as loved, appreciated, and respected by someone who they respect and love
• Expects others to be totally in tune with them and their wants, needs, thoughts, feelings, etc.

A: Admiration, attention & acknowledgement

• Needs to have admiration, attention, acknowledgement constantly because they are unable to internalise praise and admiration to form a positive self-image
• Without it they feel depressed, empty, humiliated, angry & inadequate

L: Low self-esteem

• Continuously trying to shore up extremely fragile self worth, which is very vulnerable as it’s dependent on others
• Always looking for ways to make themselves feel more important

GOD: Grandiose Omnipotent Defense

• Uses sense of specialness and grandiosity as a defense against vulnerability and humiliation, which often involves putting other people down
• Fears being dominated and humiliated so tries to be the dominant person